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Post by troubledspar7an on Jun 11, 2016 17:19:03 GMT -5
Quick question: Do you like it when I give editorial feedback or no? I'm pretty good at noticing mistakes in writing, but I'm just wondering where you stand with it; if you'd like it by improving your writing, dislike it because I'm poking at mistakes, or just see it as a chore to go back and fix it.
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Post by Icestar on Jun 11, 2016 17:52:31 GMT -5
I like it, cunstructive criticism helps me make my work better
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Post by Icestar on Jun 11, 2016 17:54:13 GMT -5
Option 1- 2 more before we continue Option 2- 3 more before we continue Option 3- 3 more before we continue Option 4- 3 more before we continue
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Post by troubledspar7an on Jun 11, 2016 18:29:20 GMT -5
Okay, I'm just going to ignore "Cunstructive" there, and move on (About two summers ago my summer job was as a construction worker, so that typo just blared out at me, I'm surprised auto-correct didn't fix it) First off, as you probably have already realized, I'm not one for writing 'flavor text', so it will be written in a way that is rather negative Do realize, though, that it doesn't mean that the writing is bad, it's just that I have a tendency to not fool around and be straightforward and rather blunt at times. We're on the same foot now? Right? Okay? Okay. Good. "'You never told me anything...like how you wanted to be a medicine cat...or how you had been chosen by Starclan...or how you thought I murdered Featherstar?!'" The repetition is good, but it falls short with the last one, saying "You never told me...how you thought I murdered Featherstar?!" I know it's not technically wrong, with the fact that it is a quote, but just something to watch out for. "Ripplepaw had, turning this rant, ran up to you..." This might just be my knowledge falling short, but what does it mean by "turning this rant"? Ah, the everlasting writing-mistake-niche every Warrior cat writer falls in over and over again, just because it flows so naturally: "person". "It's obvious that you are the last person she would be comforted by." Sidecomment: "'Everyone in the [thread] trusts your judgement'" #Me3VotesAgo
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Post by Icestar on Jun 11, 2016 20:25:02 GMT -5
Oops, that was supposed to be during, and I think I fixed all the others
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Post by Icestar on Jun 13, 2016 1:01:11 GMT -5
Option 1- 1 more before we continue Option 2- 3 more before we continue Option 3- 3 more before we continue Option 4- 3 more before we continue
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Post by Icestar on Jun 15, 2016 15:49:59 GMT -5
Do you think I should move it to 2 votes? It doesn't seem like many others will vote
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Post by troubledspar7an on Jun 15, 2016 20:05:37 GMT -5
I'm fine with it
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Post by DimStar on Jun 15, 2016 20:22:58 GMT -5
I'd prefer it at 2 votes..It moves things faster
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Post by Icestar on Jun 15, 2016 21:27:44 GMT -5
You are shocked by the feelings pouring from Ripplepaw, but you decide she needs to let off steam. Ripplepaw starts breathing heavily, then shakes her head and turns away.
"No one came to see me after the battle. Thorntail went to sit with Minnowstar and Troutwing, our parents went to share a trout together, Redpaw and Lilypaw went off with their mentors, the new warriors went to tell the kits how the battle went...no one came for me...until you." She pauses, and you see her eyes soften as she looks at you. Then she just stamps the ground with her paw.
"WHY! Why do you have to be so perfect! Everything about you is amazing! How did Starclan decide I would be a good enough cat to be your sister?" She looks at you, then turns and begins to walk out of the den, presumably away from camp again. She obviously hasn't brought up your false accusation of her in her, and your not sure you want to bring that up again, but since she seems to be thinking of you as perfect and herself as anything but, it could make her feel better.
What do you do?
1.) Remind her of the false accusation 2.) Try to calm her without mentioning your accusation 3.) Let her go
Sorry this was really short but I got to this choice much faster than I thought I would. I'm pretty sure the next few ones will be much longer.
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Post by Icestar on Jun 16, 2016 21:59:21 GMT -5
Sorry troubled, you were overruled. 1 was picked
You step in front of Ripplepaw, stopping her from exiting the den.
"I am not perfect. You might not be thinking of it right now, but you must remember. I not only thought you would murder Featherstar, but accused you directly. My actions led to me getting blackmailed by Leaffeather, and almost led to me getting exiled with Leaffeather getting away with her crime. If it wasn't for Thorntail, Riverclan would still be housing a murderer and I would have been wrongfully exiled. You see? I'm not perfect at all. And, for the record, the reason I didn't tell you about wanting to be a medicine cat was because I was too shy and afraid of what you would think to tell you. I didn't want to hurt you, but I couldn't bring myself to speak against your dreams." Ripplepaw raises one eyebrow.
"I understand, but your one mistake hardly did any damage. Not like me." She drops her head and you pad over and lift her chin back up.
"Oh, I didn't realize. What terrrible things have you done? You fought amazingly, you don't have a scratch on you, and you've done well as an apprentice I would imagine. When you did the trial battle training with Thorntail, you at least did better than I did. You managed to get through his session, and he had no complaints about you, far more than I could say about my only fighting session." You look up, almost teasingly, and smile.
"I may be a good medicine cat, but I'm a terrible warrior. You might be a not-as-good medicine cat, but you are becoming a fabulous warrior. I haven't heard any complaints or mistakes about you. You hardly ever even get the bad jobs. So what enormous mistakes have you been making without anyone knowing?" you meow jokingly, although you still look worried in your eyes. Ripplepaw pauses, taking a few steps backwards.
"N...nothing. You're right Stormpaw. I haven't done anything. Now, you really should be getting back to the feast. And don't worry about me. I can see it in your eyes. You know what I'm going to do. Just don't come after me like you did last time. You got the whole clan to be worried about me. I don't need them to be worried about me. I don't want them to be worried about me. Just...just go back to ignoring me. This night shouldn't have changed anything besides who Sunningrocks belongs to. Just...please...pretend we didn't talk at all." With that, she quickly darts away before you can stop her. You look around, knowing she went somewhere out of camp. No one else noticed her leaving. The clan was really worried for Ripplepaw after her "demotion" to a warrior apprentice, even though she wasn't a murderer. But you are still worried, especially after that. You know she is still hiding something, although what you aren't sure. Should you go against her wishes? Go out alone? You could always ask Brambleberry for advice, but would that be considered getting other cats involved too?
What do you do?
1.) Go after Ripplepaw yourself 2.) Ask Brambleberry for advice 3.) Ask Brambleberry for help finding her 4.) Get the clan involved
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Post by DimStar on Jun 16, 2016 23:17:46 GMT -5
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Post by troubledspar7an on Jun 16, 2016 23:34:20 GMT -5
Lol, funny, but no. "Objection Overruled" doesn't fit because this time I didn't bring an argument to the stand. In my vote I plead the fifth (ligit I said that ). Talking about this kind of stuff though, we may have enough information to piece something together, I'll start looking through it tomorrow (or later today, if you wanna be technical, because it is passed midnight for me).
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Post by Icestar on Jun 17, 2016 8:25:38 GMT -5
You should have enough information to at least guess. By the way, the next interrogation of Ripplepaw will be sort of like getting through psyche-locks in pheniox write, so it would be good to know at least a little of what could be wrong with her.
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Post by DimStar on Jun 18, 2016 13:26:53 GMT -5
Ohh boy, Psyhce-locks were a pain to deal with... ;_;
Are we still waiting on votes?
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Post by Icestar on Jun 18, 2016 17:00:25 GMT -5
Yes we are
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Post by Icestar on Jun 18, 2016 17:03:40 GMT -5
Option 1- 2 more before we continue Option 2- 1 more before we continue Option 3- 2 more before we continue Option 4- 2 more before we continue
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Post by Icestar on Jun 19, 2016 13:01:14 GMT -5
Just to let you know, because I've had some comments about this, and I realize I was misleading, you do not yet have enough evidence to actually figure out what Ripplepaw's secret is (aka, to engage in and complete the psyche locks). You only have enough to make a guess, and you will have to have either seriously good luck or mind reading abilities to actually know what is wrong with her right now. All will be revealed in time. Now onto the story.
You look around, thinking of who you could confide your worries in. Your eyes land on the medicine cat's den. Brambleberry has to know what to do. You pad across the clearing, trying to look natural, and into the medicine cat den.
"Brambleberry?" you meow quietly. The spotted she-cat turns to you, sadness in her gaze.
"I know why you are here. As a Starclan cat, one that sees glimpses of the most important aspects of the future, and all of the present, I can't just tell you what to do in your situation. But...as your mentor...and friend, I want to help you." She pauses, seeming to be holding back from something.
"Alright...just think for a moment. Do you think that, without any prodding, Ripplepaw will tell you what is wrong?" You do think, and as much as you want to say she would, you know her well enough to know she bottled up her feelings forever if it means not getting others involved.
"I...guess not." you finally reply. Brambleberry nods, then continues.
"I can tell you, without proving you already know what is bothering her, she won't explain anything, and definitely won't let her feelings loose. To get information about what happened, there are really only two sources...besides me, which you shouldn't use for more than this. You could ask Thorntail, Dawncloud, or Redpaw and Lilypaw. They might give you clues about what is going on. When talking to them though, know that you should only be looking for hunches and leads to physical evidence, as that is probably all you're going to get. Before you go, I must ask you, did you notice when Ripplepaw started acting strange?" You think hard, realizing that while she has avoided you for a while, she was only this badly hurt and separate from everyone since the clan got back from the battle. In that case, it couldn't have anything to do with just her being jealous of you...but then...what is it? Then you realize, you still don't know where Ripplepaw is.
"Brambleberry, where is Ripplepaw? I can't just leave her out there." Brambleberry breaths deeply.
"You...don't need to know that right now. She's safe, and that's all you need to know. Just go and start asking around." She turns around and heads back into the den to work on Swallowfrost and Thorntai, but you stop her.
"Wait, you aren't coming with me?" you ask quietly.
"No. I mustn't. You have to solve this problem on your own." She pads into the den and you look down in sadness. But, if Starclan, and Brambleberry, want you to figure this out on your own, you know you not only can do it, but you must. But where to start?
What do you do?
1.) Start by asking Thorntail 2.) Start by asking Dawncloud 3.) Start by asking Redpaw and Lilypaw
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Post by troubledspar7an on Jun 19, 2016 14:38:39 GMT -5
I held off on this question for a while, but I guess now is the time to ask it: What exactly are the times of these events. The announcement and the clan heading off was in the morning just after the gathering, then the clan came home after what seemed to be by wounds a fight that barely went past the intensity of a scrimmage, and then the clan came back and feasted, and apparently now it's night? "Just...just go back to ignoring me. This night shouldn't have changed anything besides who Sunningrocks belongs to." <--Even without the change of behavior, this quote still gives away that the problem occurred today/tonight. So a little clarification of when exactly it ended up being night and where the day went would be helpful.
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Post by Icestar on Jun 20, 2016 8:43:22 GMT -5
Sure, your correct that I wasn't clear, and that wasn't my intention. The gathering at this point was last night, but it goes until about 2am, as many books have stated staying up for the gathering and coming back late. The clan went to bed, and in the morning Minnowstar made the announcement that Riverclan would be taking Sunningrocks back. However, he did not mean for them to go right away. He set up the battle patrols and told everyone to eat and rest before that evening, when the clan left for the battle, the sun was already almost down (about 8:30pm). They came back about halfway to moonhigh (10:00pm ish) and then the clan had a feast until about 11:00pm. If you decide to talk to anyone, it would be in the morning.
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