The sun appeared as a warm and inviting ball of light that tossed bright and comforting rays on the clans. Oceanspray sat in the warrior’s den alone, not wanting to go outside with the others. She felt uneasy and guilty over all that had happened. What am I doing? I could have prevented Vortexpaw from leaving… She thought with a pang of regret. She sighed and arose on her weary paws. She pushed past the other nests of moss where the warriors slept in and headed towards the exit of the den. She saw a glimpse of white move about from the corner of her eye. She spun around to see a white furred tom with amber eyes gazing at her as if he could see the pain that she was feeling in her heart. Her eyes widened at the sight of the cat and she embraced him warmly. “Whitedove! Where have you been?! I’ve missed you and-“ She stopped. Her brain was buzzing with questions and other gossip. “You should see our kits, they’ve all grown up now!” She exclaimed.
“I know, I’ve been speaking to them for a while now. Although it seems Vortexpaw has chosen to go his own way now because of you, Oceanspray…” Whitedove patiently mewed. Oceanspray turned her head away in guilt, not wanting to meet Whitedove’s eyes.
“I-I didn’t know what else to do… It was either obey Fishstar, or tell our children the truth.” Oceanspray said under her breath. Whitedove brushed against her affectionately and wrapped his tail gently around her.
“Don’t worry… we’ll get him back.” He said soothingly. Oceanspray gave him a lick on his head.
“I know, it’s just confusing. I don’t know what to do next.” She said.
“Let Starclan and Heavenclan guide your paws, Oceanspray…” Whitedove said while slowly fading away into transparency.
Oceanspray buried her face into his fur, not wanting him to leave so soon. She looked up and padded outside, letting the sun cover her with a reassuring warmth. I will get Vortexpaw back…
“What’s happened to you Sunhead?” Runningstar asked. “Ever since you went to go fight Vortexpaw, you’ve become so violent and mean…”
“You think I care? I’m leaving Flashclan and that’s final.” Sunhead said while padding outside of the leader’s den. He turned his head around and shouted over his shoulder, “Oh, and be sure to watch over our kits, Windkit and Dashkit. I’m sure they’ll need a loving mother.” The golden tom said and then left. Yes! This cat may not have a strong enough body, but I can sever his reputation! Deathshred thought while inside Sunhead’s body. Oh no! Sunhead shook his head wildly.
“Get out of my body!” Sunhead muttered under his breath to Deathshred. Kitleg was watching Sunhead move with wild gesticulation from afar. He ran up to help the golden cat that fought an internal battle. Kitleg couldn’t help but feel a familiar dark presence that lurked somewhere.
“Sunhead! Sunhead, what’s wrong?” Kitleg cried. “Snap out of it!” Sunhead paused for a brief moment, staring into space and then glared at Kitleg.
“I’m just fine! Don’t worry, I’m only shaking because I want to!” Sunhead sarcastically jeered, Deathshred had repossessed his body. Kitleg looked shock but moved in closer.
“You should get help from Flashstep, our medicine cat. You’re not yourself Sunhead…” Kitleg said with concern. “Besides, I can’t let my former mentor writhe in pain!” Sunhead smacked Kitleg away.
“Back off! Do you want me to injure that other leg of yours?” Sunhead threatened. Kitleg gasped and turned away with his tail drooping low. He disappeared into the warrior’s den.
No! Who are you? Why are you scaring away my clanmates? Sunhead said to Deathshred inside of him.
They’ll all suffer like I did when I fell into the canyon! Deathshred replied back. The possessed Sunhead then padded over to a group of cats who were sharing tongues and gulping down prey. From a distance, he could pick up a faint scent of fox around the base of Flashclan’s mountain. Perfect. “Hey, can you all go patrol around the bottom of this mountain? I think Skullclan have been secretly taking our prey.” The cats nodded and gulped down the last of their prey and dashed off. Silverface, one of Flashclan’s elders bounded over to meet Sunhead. He had a tense expression on his face as he came face to face with Sunhead.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into you Sunhead, but you better apologize to Runningstar. You’re supposed to be her mate! Show her that you are a caring cat!” Silverface said. “You’re acting as bad as a Chaosclan cat.”
Sunhead snorted and shoved him away. He unsheathed his claws and pounced on top of Silverface, about to go in for the kill. A tortoiseshell she-cat bumped Sunhead off of him and clawed deep into Sunhead’s pelt, causing bright red blood to bubble and flow from the newly made gash.
“I’m sorry Sunhead, but I’m doing this for the clan!” Runningstar cried. Deathshred fled out of Sunhead’s body and went back to meet Vortexpaw, Gravelpaw, and Sharkpaw. Sunhead finally awoke back to his senses and found Runningstar about to give a final blow.
“Wait!” Sunhead cried and scrambled on to his paws. “Please don’t hit me! It wasn’t me that was talking!” Runningstar put away her claws and stared at him confusedly. Silverface snorted and padded back into the elders den. “I didn’t mean to- Runningstar, p-please you have to trust me!” Runningstar walked forward up to Sunhead.
“Go Sunhead! You’ve done enough.” She said. Sunhead decided not to protest and turned around and held his head down. He silently left out of her sight and joined the life of a loner. Windkit and Dashkit cried out towards their father but Runningstar held them back with her tail. “Come on, you two can rest in my den.”
“Come, follow me down these steps, but be extra-“ Sharkpaw paused as his hind paw slipped on a loose rock. His heart beat rapidly but something had caught him by the scruff.
“Careful?” Vortexpaw mocked while pulling him back up to sturdy rock. Gravelpaw stared at them emotionlessly. He had been quiet for a while now and Vortexpaw couldn’t tell if he ever felt anything. The sun was beginning to set and the three cats were about halfway toward the bottom of Flashclan’s canyons. They quickened their pace before night came, jumping from rock to rock. Gravelpaw had twitched a little, wanting to say something. Vortexpaw looked back over his shoulder at him, urging him to speak. Gravelpaw stopped. Sharkpaw turned around to see what was happening.
“Hey! What’s going on over there? We need to get to the bottom of the canyons before the sun sets! Otherwise we’ll be stuck here! Do you want to be stuck Gravelpaw?” Sharkpaw challenged.
Gravelpaw ignored him. “I’ve had a dream last night.” He stuttered. “A-and Terror, er- I mean Stoneheart, my father appeared to me. He told me that we should leave Deathshred as quickly as we can. I don’t know why but-“ Sharkpaw glared at him with disgust.
“So you’re really going to leave now, after all we’ve accomplished so far? I should sacrifice you to the great Deathshred.” He sneered. “Then again, you’re not even worthy of his greatness.” Gravelpaw hung his head in shame and let out a snort. They continued down the rocky steps until they reached the bottom of the canyon. In front of them lie a huge, gaping cave that stuck out from the mountains. It had two large splatters of a dark substance that Vortexpaw couldn’t make out. He moved in a little closer to see what it was. T-This is blood! He shrunk back in fear.
“Getting a head start into the cave?” Sharkpaw asked. Vortexpaw turned around. He forgot how close he was to the cave that he never had been into. “You know, this is actually the place where Cut and Deathshred fell to their despair. You can still see what’s left over.” Sharkpaw said while pointing to the splatters of blood. “Come on.” Vortexpaw instantly remembered something. The cave that has been cut to shreds. I get it now! He thought. Sharkpaw led the way into the sinister looking cave as Vortexpaw followed. Gravelpaw hesitated but then followed in behind them. Vortexpaw could barely make out where Sharkpaw was and he occasionally bumped into a wall. The cave contained a foul smell and lacked the presence of any life besides the three that ventured deeper into the cave. He suddenly leaped back a tail-length.
“Hey, watch it!” Gravelpaw spat.
“Sorry, I could’ve sworn I saw a shadow pass by.”
Sharkpaw ignored them and continued on his way. Vortexpaw bounded after him, trying to pick up his scent. They finally arrived into an open space that contained small amounts of light that peaked through the cracks and crevices of the cave walls. A large rock stood in the middle of the open space. Gravelpaw and Sharkpaw stood beside him as they all gazed at the rock. “What is that rock-“ Vortexpaw started. Sharkpaw nudged him in his side.
“Shhh. Watch.” After waiting a few heartbeats, shadowy figures appeared before the rock, standing in a circle around it. Vortexpaw could see the figures clearly but something was off. They appeared as almost ordinary cats, but on closer inspection, none of the cats had a face. Somehow they still managed to chant Deathshred’s name.
“Long live Chaosclan…” The figures said in sync as they slowly disappeared. A dark brown warrior appeared from atop the rock.
“Behold, I am Deathshred, the cat that has called all three of you, and I have great news- but it’s not for you.” Deathshred mocked. “I’ve found a new body!” He pointed to Cut the former Chaosclan cat that was now motionless, he died a long time ago during battle. “This is the perfect chance for me. As you all know, Cut has really tough skin, so I will be using him for now.” Deathshred entered into Cut’s body. He lie motionless for a while and then got on his paws. “Foxdung! This body is slowly deteriorating. I’ll have to make the most of the time I have left, I guess. Deathshred uttered to himself. Gravelpaw shifted on his paws uncomfortably, trying to mask his fear scent. Deathshred noticed Gravelpaw’s uneasiness but ignored it. “Okay, I suppose it’s time to tell you all why I have chosen you, and also…” He paused. “Vortexpaw wants information about his father!”
Whirlpaw made her way through the rocky tunnel, exiting Torrentclan camp and following in behind Baypool her mentor. They ventured through the muddy forest over small hills covered in comfrey. Baypool occasionally glanced over at his apprentice but said nothing, wanting Whirlpaw to speak. Whirlpaw ignored him. Ever since the incident between Darkleaf and the sunset patrol, Whirlpaw never spoke to Baypool and would rarely speak to her mother, Oceanspray. They scented a fresh aroma of prey and found themselves towering over a hidden area of soon-to-be-fresh-kill. “Okay Whirlpaw, I want you to catch five pieces of prey for me.” Baypool said, his eyes looking away from Whirlpaw. “I’ll help you carry it all back when you’re done. Remember to keep your tail down when hunting.” Baypool added in his raspy voice.
Whirlpaw rolled her eyes and snorted. Did I ask for your advice? Whirlpaw spotted two mice, and pounced on top of them, killing them. Three more. She then locked eyes onto a rabbit that was nibbling on a carrot. She slowly crept up to it with her tail hanging low, being careful not to drag it on the forest floor. She then lunged for the kill but accidentally tripped on her own tail clumsily, causing the rabbit to scurry away. “Mousedung!” She spat. Baypool bounded over to the fallen apprentice and lifted her back on her paws.
“Whirlpaw… are you still thinking about me being your father? I know some thoughts can get in your way when you hunt, so you have to really focus. I know the truth can be much to take in at a time but-“ Baypool was interrupted.
Whirlpaw curled her lip in a snarl and spat, “You are not my father, Baypool. And you know it too. I’m not a mousebrain like you are, so you can go tell Fishstar and the rest of the clan that I won’t fall for their cheap tricks. I will find out who my real father is!” Whirlpaw stomped off in the other direction, away from Baypool, searching for more prey. She finally found a tasty looking thrush and began to creep up towards it. She was about to pounce when a voice called across from a distance.
“Hey! Are you on Skullclan territory again?! How mousebrained can you be?” Darkleaf shouted while emerging from a bush with Shadownose, Skullclan’s medicine cat, and a few other warriors. Baypool quickly darted over to where his apprentice was and pushed her gently off Skullclan’s territory. “You know Earthstar is getting real tired of you cats trying to take our prey.”
“And I’m tired of Skullclan and Torrentclan who can’t keep up with their own apprentices.” A voice sounded from a distance. It was Runningstar of Flashclan. “Because of your clan’s cats, Flashclan cats have been attacked by foxes, and also our deputy, Sunhead, has left Flashclan!” Runningstar said despondently. “I had to fight Vortexpaw a few sunrises ago, and I’ve also found the fur of Gravelpaw on Flashclan territory!” Tension sparked in the air. “If Skullclan and Torrentclan won’t get their cats back to their home, there will be trouble!” Runningstar added and left back up Flashclan’s mountains. Darkleaf curled his lip in a snarl and turned the other way along with the other Skullclan cats. Baypool and Whirlpaw headed back to camp to report the news. Could there be a fight between all three clans? Whirlpaw asked herself.
Oceanspray sniffed out some fresh traveling herbs. “These should do.” She muttered with a mouthful of strong scented herbs. She quickly darted through the thickly covered forest towards Torrentclan’s camp. She made her way through the rocky entrance and stealthily slipped into the warrior’s den where she hid the herbs under her bed of moss. Beside the moss was a few pieces of fish that Oceanspray had gathered earlier before she went out into the forest, searching for herbs for Tinystripe, the medicine cat, but she mainly gathered the herbs for herself. She pushed her way out of the warrior’s den with a small bundle of leftover herbs clamped in her jaws and found herself in the medicine cat’s den. She saw Tinystripe, who was busy sorting out poppy seeds and marigold. “You can leave them in the center, I’ll pick them up after I finish sorting.” Tinystripe mewed. Oceanspray dropped her herbs and left out of the den. She saw Whirlpaw sharing tongues with Blubberpaw and Vaporpaw. I’m sorry Whirlpaw, but I have to do this. She thought. She scrambled back into the warrior’s den, being careful not to let anyone see her. She padded forward and bumped into a furry obstacle. Brown eyes shone from the dim light of the den.
“Fishstar? W-what are you doing here?” Oceanspray said, trying not sound suspicious.
“I know what you are going to do. But why?” The golden leader said.
“Why?” Oceanspray repeated. “Do you not remember my son Vortexpaw? He’s out there somewhere, and I have to find him.” Oceanspray’s tone rose and her neck fur began to bristle. Fishstar slowly nodded her head, remembering the blue cat that had left. “Don’t tell me you forgot about him! How could you forget your own warrior?” Oceanspray‘s tail began to lash furiously.
“Sorry, it’s just been a while since he has left, and I have a lot on my mind right now. The threat of a war between all three clans might happen and I’m missing two warriors, Sharkpaw and Vortexpaw.” Fishstar retorted. “Besides, he’s no longer a large threat to Torrentclan!”
“Well I don’t know what you are going to do, but I’m going to find my son!” Oceanspray stormed out of the warriors den with her hidden herbs and prey dangling from her mouth. She heard Fishstar call out to her so that she wouldn’t leave, but she ignored her. She made her way through the stone entrance of the camp and went out into the forest. She lapped up her herbs and chewed them briskly. She then ate the two fish and braced herself for a long journey. I’ll find you Vortexpaw. ******** “Now, gather around, all three of you.” Deathshred called. Vortexpaw, Gravelpaw and Sharkpaw sat down to listen. “Let me all tell you my story, and then I will tell Vortexpaw about his father.” Deathshred wrapped his tail around his paws, enjoying his new physical body that was slowly decaying.
“It all began many moons ago, before the war and before the cats moved to the lake.” He began. “It happened like this…”
(I'll put Deathshred's story in the next chapter.)
EDIT: I changed Fang's name to Tooth.It sound's better.
The sun hung above, resting its warmth against the pelts of the two kits. Light shimmered in and out as clouds drifted past the sun. The kits cheerfully tossed a plump, dead mouse around, going back and forth. “Tooth, catch!” A black and white-spotted kit called to the dark brown kit. He flung the dead piece of fresh-kill to his friend.
“I got it!” Tooth replied while dashing to where the mouse was going to land. He clamped it in his jaws and was about to toss it again. “Lookout Oak, I’m going to throw this really far!”
“No you are most certainly not going to throw that!” An angry voice rang out. A light brown she-cat with dark green eyes padded in front of Tooth and swiped the mouse out of his mouth.
“But mom…” Tooth protested. “We were just playing, you know? We were going to eat it after.”
“No! You know that it’s hard to come by prey nowadays! It’s Leaf-bare and every cat around this area is starving. You should be grateful for every bite you and Oak get to eat, besides, your father Crunch, works really hard.” The light she-cat lectured.
“Did somebody call me?” A cream colored tom with blue eyes said. He carried over three skinny looking shrews and dropped them beside his mate and kits. “Isn’t this great? I was able to find three shrews in one hunting trip!” Crunch, Tooth and Oak’s father added. “So how is everything going so far, Petal?” He asked his mate.
The light brown she-cat blushed and spoke, “Okay so far, I just got through lecturing these two about how important their food is. Ever since those dogs came in, we hardly have any prey to come by.” Petal sat down, trying to sort out the thoughts in her mind. Crunch brushed against her soothingly and tangled his tail with hers.
“We’ll survive… I’m sure of it!” Crunch reassured, but he didn’t sound too sure to himself. “Okay, now we can all eat. We’ll all share this mouse for today and tomorrow we will all have the three I’ve caught earlier.” Crunch buried the three mice that he caught to save it for later and placed the mouse that Oak and Tooth were playing with in front of them. They sat down and chewed slowly on the mouse, savoring every tasty and scrumptious bite. Tooth gobbled down his last bite and got up.
“Thank you father, that was a really delicious mouse.” Tooth said. He dipped his head in respect and Crunch smiled and let out a purr. Tooth called over to Oak to come and play out in the open field, where the cows and sheep roamed freely. They pushed their way out of the Twoleg nest and went outside. They padded alongside each other. “Hey, don’t you think mom looked really tired? I don’t think we should stay at this Twoleg nest anymore. Besides, there is hardly any prey for all of us to eat.”
Oak nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I’m worried about our father too. They’re both starting to get really skinny. I wish all of those mean dogs would leave already!” Oak said, his tiny tail lashing with anger.
“Hey, you wanna know somethin?” Tooth’s green eyes shone brightly. “I’ve found a place where there are loads of prey, and there are also really strong cats there too.” Oak’s ear pricked up in surprise.
“Really?! Wait…you don’t mean…” Oak hesitated.
“Yes! That’s exactly what I mean. And if we don’t go there, we might end up being food for the dogs or maybe even the cows!”
“But Tooth, that place is so many fox-lengths away! There is no way that we could travel there in one Sunrise. I’m sure that one of us might end up starving before we even reach that place!” Oak objected. “And what if one of the cats there think that we’re their enemy? We would stand no chance, all four of us.”
Tooth hung his head in shame. He sighed, “Maybe you’re right. I don’t know, I just want us to be able to have full meals again and be away from these mean dogs.”
The two kits made their way to the edge of the field where a wooden gate stood in their way. They heard a low growling that came on the other side. They backed away in fear, about to turn back when the gate lashed open as three vicious dogs broke through. “Run! We need to tell Petal and Crunch quickly!” Tooth shouted over the loud growling that came from the dogs. They sprinted back over the fields, swiftly dodging the moving legs of cows and sheep. A dog snapped at Tooth’s tail but only bit off a small bundle of fur. They made their way back into the Twoleg nest, their heart pounding against their chest. “P-Petal, C-Crunch! The dogs and the…sheeps and the cows!” Tooth panted, out of breath.
Crunch’s eyes lit up. “Slow down! What are you saying?”
“There are dogs coming!” Oak retorted. The three dogs came bursting through the doors of the nest and the four cats leaped up in shock. The dogs cornered them, snarling and licking their lips, their minds thinking of the taste of four delicious cats. Petal stared in horror, but not at the dogs. She stepped forward along with Crunch.
“Oak, I may not have another chance to tell you this…” Petal started. Oak’s ears stood up in alarm. What could possibly be so important right now? Petal stared down at her paws with sadness and then looked back up, being sure not to let the dogs out of her sight. “Oak, you aren’t our kit… We took you in when your parents went away due to starvation.” Petal spat the words melancholically. Oak didn’t look surprised.
“I already knew that Petal… All that mattered was that you and Crunch cared.” Oak said as a dog lunged towards them. Crunch and Petal stood in front of them and swatted the dog out of the way.
“Go you two! We’ll hold them off!” Crunch yelled.
“But!” Fang cried.
Tooth and Oak darted past the three dogs who were focused on Crunch and Petal. They kept running and running and running until they made it past the wooden gate where they first met the dogs and then into an unknown forest. They both panted and gasped for air when they heard growling and the clawing of flesh coming from the Twoleg nest. “It’s over Oak… We can’t go back now.” Tooth said with tears filling his eyes. “We have no other choice but to go to the forest where the Warriors are!”
Last Edit: Oct 23, 2013 22:13:41 GMT -5 by Whitedove
Tooth and Oak trekked through the mysterious forest that contained hidden dangers. The kits padded forward silently, not wanting to speak about what happened at the Twoleg nest. Crunch…Petal… Tooth silently remembered his family. Well, at least I still have Oak. He reassured himself. Oak groaned constantly and finally plopped down on his skinny belly to rest. His black and white fur began to look dull and unkempt. “I’m hungry!” The tiny kit wailed. “Tooth, go get us some food right now! You brought us out here!” Tooth wanted to protest but decided against it and followed a scent trail of a rabbit. He came across two white fluffy ears that sprung out from the undergrowth. Stealthily, he crept in towards it, using every skill he had learned from his parents. He noticed the rabbit was about twice his size but he didn’t want him or his friend to starve to death. He emerged from a bush and lunged towards the rabbits neck with his claws unsheathed. The rabbit braced itself for impact and was violently knocked over by the brown cat. Tooth gave a killing bite to the neck and carried the huge rabbit back to his friend. “Here, eat up. This forest has way more prey than the old nest.” Tooth said while dropping down in beside Oak. They both shared the rabbit and saved half of it for the next day, and also because they couldn’t finish the whole thing.
“I’m stuffed!” Oak sleepily said, his eyes were gently flickering before he finally fell to sleep. Tooth decided to get some rest too since it was already becoming Moonhigh. **** Oak and Tooth continued to travel through the changing terrain of the forest. First it was marshy, then there were lots of trees, and now they had come across an open moor land. The sun warmed their pelts and a slight breeze had swept over the forest. They came across a cluster of four tall trees that stood in their way. They could smell the overwhelming scent of other cats and cautiously moved in between some loose brambles and peered at them.
“Eggpaw, you will now be known as Eggshell.” A large tom announced from atop a large rock.
“Eggpaw…Eggshell?” Oak whispered to Tooth. “I got it! Tooth, my new name will be Oakfall! Yes, that sounds good, what about you?”
Tooth hesitated but then spoke, his voice shaky, “I will be Toothkit, I guess.” Oakfall glanced at him curiously.
“-Kit? Why –kit, you know, your name isn’t as cool as mine…” Oakfall proudly said.
“Well it makes more sense because we’re kits, if we were older, we might have a name like yours.”
Oakfall snorted. “Okay… But I’m going to keep my name.” The two kits turned away from the four trees where the cats had some sort of meeting. But, while Toothkit had his back turned, something grabbed his tail.
“Hey! Oakfall get off of me!” Toothkit turned around to see that it wasn’t Oakfall, but it was a tortoiseshell cat that had bitten Toothkit’s tail aggressively. Toothkit swiped at him furiously and cut him on his nose, letting his tail loose from his grip. Oakfall turned around to see Toothkit backing away from the large cat.
“Toothkit! I’m coming!” Oakfall dashed over to his friend’s side and glared at the warrior that attacked them. The strange part was that he didn’t have the scent of the other cats that were at the four trees. The warrior snarled and let out a low growl.
“Who are you two?” The tortoiseshell cat growled. “My name is Cut, and I’ve been watching you two for a while now…”
“P-please don’t hurt us, we didn’t do anything!” Oakfall cried. Cut sympathetically sheathed his claws and his fur began to lie flat. He sat down in front of the two kits and watched them closely.
Oakfall and Toothkit moved in cautiously, avoiding eye contact with the mysterious cat that didn’t have a name like the other cats in the forest. “So, why don’t you have a name like the other cats?” Toothkit questioned.
Cut looked at him with confusion and then appeared relaxed. “Oh… You must mean the warriors. Yeah, they are part of Clans, in which there are four clans. There is Thunderclan, Riverclan, Shadowclan, and Windclan. Me, personally, I’m not from one of these clans, so I’m what they consider, a loner. The main reason why I’m here is so that I can battle the strongest cats, I just have a desire to be the best in the forest. But enough about me…” Cut paused. “I think you two would make great warriors, so, would you like to train with me?”
Toothkit and Oakfall hesitated, their mouth lost for words to speak. Toothkit and Oakfall quickly discussed their thoughts and turned around to face Cut who was patiently waiting for their decision. “Okay, we’ll do it.” Toothkit said. **** A few moons had passed and Toothkit had grown larger and stronger. Oakfall had caught greencough and wasn’t able to survive in his new, harsh environment. Toothkit was left deep in sorrow but Cut comforted him when he needed it. Toothkit and Cut decided to have another training session.
“Before we start Toothkit, I believe you need a new name. Since you’re not a kit anymore, I think you would be better known as Deathpaw.” Cut said. Toothkit shifted his paws and objected.
“I prefer to be called Deathshred! That will be my new name!” He announced.
“Okay, that sounds good. Alright, now let’s begin our training!”
Deathshred had learned many new techniques from Cut that he learned from the warriors in the forest. Cut had seen every move that the warriors used and now he had taught them to Deathshred. After they had finished training, Deathshred decided to go out deep into the forest towards Riverclan to get some fresh water. He groomed his fur and then lapped up a few mouthfuls of water, looking up so that no clan cats notice him. When he turned back around he saw a muscular white cat, that glowed brightly and it wasn’t just the sunlight that made him so shiny. Deathshred padded back in fear at the white cat that stood in front of him.
“I am Tristar, leader of Heavenclan. Deathshred, I notice that you seem fond of your new environment and the warriors here. Deep in your heart, you want to help these clans get along and not fight each other for prey and water. So I will give you power to help them.” Tristar moved in towards Deathshred and rested his paw on his head. Deathshred couldn’t speak, his face was filled with sheer amazement. He could feel a new power travel through his body and as he blinked his eyes, the white cat had left. Deathshred noticed a new marking on his tail. It was a bright red stripe that ran along his tail.
Deathshred purred with excitement and went to go meet back up with Cut. I have so much power! The fate of the clans rest in my paws! **** “And many moons passed after that. Later on, there arrived Skullclan, Flashclan, and Torrentclan which are currently what you know now. I’ve also met Stoneheart, but he died from a badger during the battle with the Clans.” Deathshred said, ending his story. Gravelpaw, Sharkpaw, and Vortexpaw were amazed at the story. “Later on, Cut and I had to move from the old Forest to the Lake area, where we are now. We followed the Clan cats, making sure we could find out everything about them and learn every technique. And now Vortexpaw…” Deathshred paused. “About your father… he was the one that made me fall from the cliff during the war. His name is Whitedove.”
Deathshred examined Vortexpaw’s expression, but the gray tabby’s face only showed that he was deep in thought. “Whitedove…I remember that name now.” Vortexpaw muttered. “Runningstar had called me him a-and…” He paused. “Darkleaf said that I looked like someone that he knew. I get it now, it all makes sense!” Vortexpaw said, full of excitement. Sharkpaw and Gravelpaw stared at Vortexpaw who had just finished solving a long and drawn-out puzzle. “There’s only one thing that still troubles me though. Why did Oceanspray and all of the other cats in Torrentclan have to keep the part about Whitedove out of the story? It’s not like it’s a bad thing that my father was a hero- uh, no offense Deathshred.” Deathshred snorted and then began to speak.
“Don’t you see Vortexpaw? The reason why they didn’t want you to know that Whitedove was your father was because you had his blood! Whitedove is a Heavenclan warrior, he could’ve brought destruction to the whole land if he wanted to. Now imagine what you and Whirlpaw can do…” Deathshred’s voice trailed off. “And you, Gravelpaw. You have Chaosclan blood. Although Stoneheart didn’t have Chaosclan blood, his mate, Pebble, did. We all know that I was the one that gave all of Chaosclan their extra power that I got from Tristar. So…therefore, you have that power too Gravelpaw, you, Whirlpaw and Vortexpaw can make this forest and every cat in it, obey you!” Deathshred started to laugh menacingly.
“I-I know what I must do now…” Vortexpaw had a dark look in his eyes. “I will get revenge on Torrentclan for hiding away the truth, and I will find Whitedove!” Something in Vortexpaw’s mind had triggered. Wait, the white furred cat that always appeared to me, that must’ve been Whitedove!But…I attacked him last time and he said I would attack someone that I treasure. I hope it’s not Whirlpaw!
“That makes two of us, huh Vortexpaw?” Sharkpaw agreed with Vortexpaw. “Torrentclan will pay.”
“Actually Sharkpaw, if you lay one paw on my sister, I will tear you to crowfood!” Vortexpaw threatened. “But if you’re going to get the rest of Torrentclan, then so be it.” Sharkpaw stood, horrified at Vortexpaw’s threat. Deathshred stopped the tension and signaled for the three cats to follow out of the cave.
“Why so quiet, Gravelpaw?” Deathshred asked warily. Gravelpaw’s face was filled with uncomfort. Was he scared or just nervous about his discovered power?
“It’s nothing.” He replied.
The four cats made their way of the den and back up the canyon, going up to Flashclan’s mountain. Vortexpaw peered over all three of the clans. Nothing had changed that much. There were a few fox scents but that wasn’t anything unusual. “I will take down any cat that gets in my way!” Vortexpaw furiously spat, his fur bristling. “Torrentclan will be obliterated!”
Your leading paragraph has a few redundancy issues and is a little confusing for a first paragraph. The prophecy is okay. Not amazing, but its not awful either. I kind of have a general dislike for prophecies in general, nut hey, at least yours isn't as obvious as "Fire will save the clan,". There are a few POV problems. I assume you are writing in 3rd person limited, but you show off more of other characters emotions and actions instead of Vortexpaw's reactions and actions. For example, on Chapter 3, "Vortexpaw stretched out his front paws, showing his muscular body. 'Oh you’re cool aren’t you?' Whirlpaw teased. 'Stop showing off!' Vortexpaw looked indignant, but kept following the leader." Whirlpaw has more action in the form of dialogue than Vortexpaw, which should really only happens in giant monologues. This is just a walk to the Gathering, so maybe give Vortex a little more screentime. For this quote, you could try something like, "Vortex stretched out his front paws, showing his muscular body. 'Oh you’re so cool, aren’t you?' Whirlpaw teased. 'Stop showing off!' Vortexpaw snorted indignantly, but otherwise ignored Whirlpaw and continued to follow Fishstar." A little more description would also be useful. When "Whirlpaw slipped and almost fell, but Sharkpaw caught her by the scruff." on Chapter 3, you could add a little more detail, like, "Whirlpaw lost her grip on the wet wood and scrabbled wildly to catch her claws on something, but Sharkpaw darted forward and caught her by the scruff." “Why not? Besides, it wouldn’t hurt to learn how to swim before having a mentor.”Chapter 2. Why would they be 'paws before getting mentors? Just as a side note: sharks, blubbered-creatures, bays and the like are saltwater ocean things. With TorrentClan being on a (freshwater?) river, they were probably never see them.
Last Edit: Nov 2, 2013 1:41:35 GMT -5 by Willowleaf
-Your leading paragraph has a few redundancy issues and is a little confusing for a first paragraph. The prophecy is okay. Not amazing, but its not awful either. I kind of have a general dislike for prophecies in general, nut hey, at least yours isn't as obvious as "Fire will save the clan,".
-There are a few POV problems. I assume you are writing in 3rd person limited, but you show off more of other characters emotions and actions instead of Vortexpaw's reactions and actions. For example, on Chapter 3, "Vortexpaw stretched out his front paws, showing his muscular body. 'Oh you’re cool aren’t you?' Whirlpaw teased. 'Stop showing off!' Vortexpaw looked indignant, but kept following the leader." Whirlpaw has more action in the form of dialogue than Vortexpaw, which should really only happens in giant monologues. This is just a walk to the Gathering, so maybe give Vortex a little more screentime. For this quote, you could try something like, "Vortex stretched out his front paws, showing his muscular body. 'Oh you’re so cool, aren’t you?' Whirlpaw teased. 'Stop showing off!' Vortexpaw snorted indignantly, but otherwise ignored Whirlpaw and continued to follow Fishstar."
-A little more description would also be useful. When "Whirlpaw slipped and almost fell, but Sharkpaw caught her by the scruff." on Chapter 3, you could add a little more detail, like, "Whirlpaw lost her grip on the wet wood and scrabbled wildly to catch her claws on something, but Sharkpaw darted forward and caught her by the scruff."
-“Why not? Besides, it wouldn’t hurt to learn how to swim before having a mentor.”Chapter 2. Why would they be 'paws before getting mentors?
-Just as a side note: sharks, blubbered-creatures, bays and the like are saltwater ocean things. With TorrentClan being on a (freshwater?) river, they were probably never see them.
Thanks for the feedback!
-Well, I know I go overboard with the imagery but could you point out some of the redundancy? I want to make sure I don't do it again.
-Seems legit, I will try to focus on the main person more.
-Again, I sometimes rush through a scene and it ends up either confusing or non-descriptive. I guess I just get excited about what to write next, but I'll try to take my time on Chapter 19, I've already started an outline for it as it's going to be pretty big.
-*Facepaw* Well, the only poor excuse I can give for that is that Fishstar was too lazy.
-Yeah, they're freshwater, I just was thinking of a bunch of aquatic names and forgot about the whole saltwater and freshwater thing. =/
Oh and also, I know cats can't actually cry, I just added it in so the story would be more dramatic.
"A huge dark black tom said sharply. 'You should know better not to trespass on Skullclan territory and get away with it. Especially with me around.' The dark cat said, unsheathing his claws." You only need to introduce the speaker once. ^-^ A few other things were mostly just repetition which sounds a little bit like redundancy. Like the cats' fur colors. Mostly these are just in the prologue though, so hmm.
And more tomorrow because I forgot to finish it today.
EDIT- THE REST
"...as he shattered the bones of the brown warrior." Chapter 6. A little too much for that scene, and in a few other Vortexpaw scenes too. He is irrationally brave or irrationally fierce at times, like the one mentioned before, defeating (kind of) Runningstar, and the hawk scene. Imagine a cat who's only ever caught fish in his life. Then a giant, enormous bird with giant talons appears and he catches it with barely any fear or bodily wounds, just a day after beating a Clan leader who left him with no injuries that really impaired his journey.
Like I mentioned earlier, the prey acts a little funny in your story, but that's not a big issue.
Oakfall's death was kind of abrupt, and if that doesn't have a bigger story to it I'm going to be a little disappointed.
Last, there's a little bit of dialogue strangeness, although that may just be a problem to me and not anyone else. One thing I would suggest to help with that is to imagine if you would say something like that, given the situation. Like on Chapter 18, Vortex paw thinks, Wait, the white furred cat that always appeared to me, that must’ve been Whitedove! But…I attacked him last time and he said I would attack someone that I treasure. I hope it’s not Whirlpaw! Would you be thinking, I hope it's not <name of loved one here>, or something like He doesn't mean <name of loved one here>, does he? It's not that the sentence is bad or anything, it's just that the wording seems a little... off.
And that's it!
Last Edit: Nov 3, 2013 23:50:34 GMT -5 by Willowleaf
Wow, I never realized how OP I made Vortexpaw. Well, he did get two wounds from Runningstar but I know what you mean. =/
As for Oakfall, well, he might appear in the story later on. I'm currently working on Chapter 19 and so far it's pretty long, I should be done sometime tomorrow. I want to work on it more but it's almost 10pm atm so I'm going to sleep soon.
Thanks for reviewing though It's good to see flaws that I can improve on which will help me if I ever write another story
“Everything is in place, all of the clans are at each other’s necks.” Deathshred said with a smirk. “Now all we need is something to start it off, so we’ll leave our fur on all of the clans’ borders.” Vortexpaw nodded his head in agreement, Sharkpaw was gazing intently at his forepaws and Gravelpaw was staring up into the sky. Vortexpaw nudged them both to follow Deathshred who had begun to head for Torrentclan.
“Hey I just remembered, the clans will be having a gathering tonight. Should we ambush them there?” Vortexpaw asked. Deathshred stayed silent for a short period of time, and then shook his head.
“Even with you and Gravelpaw’s power, we won’t be able to take down all three clans like that.”
“I don’t have anything against Flashclan and Skullclan, only Torrentclan.” Vortexpaw said through gritted teeth.
“Same here.” Sharkpaw agreed. Gravelpaw looked like he didn’t care. The four cats continued through the forest, still on their way to Torrentclan. Deathshred paused and sat down, wrapping his tail around his paws.
“We’ll stop for a quick meal. Go ahead, find some food, and then we’ll continue on with our plan.” Deathshred mewed. The three cats scattered in different directions in search of prey. Vortexpaw dropped to the ground, sniffing out a plump mouse. He crept in while being light on his paws and lunged and killed the mouse. He noticed Gravelpaw nearby who had just caught a young thrush. Gravelpaw joined Vortexpaw, but Vortexpaw could feel that something was wrong.
“Vortexpaw, we really should leave Deathshred now! We’re being used! Who knows when he’ll try to take one of our bodies!” “I know Gravelpaw, I’m just sticking around until Torrentclan is destroyed. Then, I’ll-“ He was cut off.
“Hurry it up you two!” Deathshred called from afar. “We still have to prepare for the gathering.”
The two cats found their way back to Deathshred and Sharkpaw, who both were eating like they never ate before. Vortexpaw sat down with his prey and gulped it down as fast as possible. I wonder what would happen if the first Torrentclan cat that I encounter would be Whirlpaw or even Oceanspray! He shook the thought away and looked up, noticing Deathshred staring at him. He turned away and snorted. Did Deathshred know what I was thinking about?
“Okay, let’s go.” Deathshred mewed awkwardly, as if something was on his mind. The four cats finished their food and had set out on their journey to Torrentclan. Vortexpaw remembered the marshy feel of the undergrowth beneath his paws. Nostalgia ran through his body, giving a slight chill along his spine. They passed by the pond where Sharkpaw and Whirlpaw had last talked. Vortexpaw glanced over his shoulder at Sharkpaw who looked like he was remembering the scene. As they approached near the border between Skullclan and Torrentclan, Gravelpaw had tripped on a tree root. The other three were already up ahead and Gravelpaw had rose to his paws only to be attacked from behind. Gravelpaw struggled to break free but whatever was behind him had a strong grip. He looked behind and spotted two Flashclan cats that then knocked him unconscious and dragged him off into the forest.
“Where are the other three cats that you were traveling with?” One Flashclan warrior questioned. Gravelpaw gasped in terror. “I-I u-um…” He wasn’t sure if he should tell or not.
“It’s useless Kitleg,” The other Flashclan warrior said, “We’d be better off if we had taken the brown Torrentclan cat.”
“No! I’m not giving up until I have answers! There have been too many strange occurrences, for example, Sunhead.” Kitleg’s face clouded with a brief expression of sadness. “Go Flameheart, ask him a question.”
“Where are the other three cats?” Flameheart repeated Kitleg’s question. He raised his paw, threatening Gravelpaw. Gravelpaw’s body ached with weariness and his fur was becoming dull. He was deep in thought. If I tell them where they are, Deathshred would probably kill me, but if I don’t tell them, these two might kill me anyway.
“Okay, they’re heading to the gathering, they should be there soon.” Gravelpaw had left out the part about leaving fur on the clans borders. Flameheart and Kitleg exchanged glances and grabbed Gravelpaw by his scruff.
“You’re coming with us.” Kitleg said, his voice muffled by Gravelpaw’s silver fur.
“Okay, we’ll need Skullclan fur to put on Flashclan territory, that way they’ll get extremely angry.” Deathshred said.
“Why can’t we just use Sharkpaw’s or my fur?” Vortexpaw asked.
“Because it would be too suspicious if we dropped only Torrentclan fur on both, Skullclan and Flashclan territory, therefore we need a variety.” Deathshred replied, looking for Gravelpaw. “Gravelpaw…? Gravelpaw! Where are you? Where did he go…” He muttered. Vortexpaw had not noticed that Gravelpaw had left. He was so used to him being quiet most of the time and he just assumed that he was following in behind. Still, Vortexpaw was unsure if he wanted to start an all out war between all three clans or not, but shrugged the thought away. He would make Torrentclan feel his pain.
“We’ll check over here, Deathshred.” Sharkpaw said, signaling to Vortexpaw to follow him. Deathshred nodded and disappeared into the forest in the other direction. Sharkpaw and Vortexpaw padded along the Flashclan border at the base of the mountains. “Over here Vortexpaw! I think I found Gravelpaw’s scent trail!” Sharkpaw sniffed out a faint scent of Skullclan and about two or three Flashclan cats, under a bush. Vortexpaw joined him.
“I smell it too! He must’ve been here a little while ago, we should probabl-“ His voice was cut off as two figures dashed among the bushes. Vortexpaw spotted a lithe brown cat and a small black cat. Sharkpaw moved in closer to Vortexpaw.
“Stay close, we’d be better off to stay together so we can watch from all sides.” Sharkpaw said. Vortexpaw braced himself, watching his surroundings intently. A large rustling came from atop the trees and the two cats dropped down and lashed out at the two apprentices, cutting them just above their eye. Vortexpaw felt weary after traveling through all of the territory’s in just one day. The brown and black cat hissed at them and lashed their tail side to side and lunged towards them. My body! I-I can’t move! Vortexpaw helplessly dropped down on the ground, out of energy. Every step he tried to make only added to his pain. Sharkpaw’s eyes lit up at the sight of his friend about to be ripped to pieces.
“Vortexpaw, what are you doing?!” He turned around to help his friend but the other two cats had knocked them both unconscious.
“So we were correct, there were Torrentclan cats in Skullclan territory!” The brown cat hissed.
Vortexpaw’s eyes flickered open. He glanced to the right and saw Sharkpaw beside him, struggling to stand on his feet. Where are we?! He fully opened his eyes and realized where he and Sharkpaw were. We’re at the gathering, but it’s still day, why are they starting so early?And why are there only Flashclan and Skullclan cats here? Vortexpaw attempted to get on his paws but failed, he was like a newborn kit. Skullclan and Flashclan cats had their eyes fixed on the two cats in the center of the gathering. The lithe brown cat that he saw earlier had padded up in front of him and Sharkpaw, along with the black she-cat. “Are you ready Raventail? Are you ready Skullclan and Flashclan?” The brown cat exclaimed. Raventail…that’s Skullclan’s deputy! “These two Torrentclan cats have been trespassing on our territory’s, will we allow this?” He continued. The cats shouted loudly, enough for all of Heavenclan to hear them.
“Get them Earthstar! Show them not to trespass!” A cat yelled out. So he’s Earthstar. “Execute them! Make them suffer.” Another cat called out. Earthstar snickered and lifted his head towards the crowd.
“Trust me, that’s what I already had in mind. Now…” He turned around to face Sharkpaw and Vortexpaw. “You two have a choice…you either take these deathberries or be executed by Raventail and I’s claws!” Sharkpaw glanced at Vortexpaw and whispered to him, “You’re the Heavenclan cat! Get us out of this mess!” Vortexpaw didn’t reply. He couldn’t feel the pulsing power he had felt when he battled Runningstar. Earthstar and Raventail drew in closer to them.
“Okay then, it is decided. Raventail, execute the brown cat, I’ll get the gray one.” Earthstar said, raising his paw into the air to finish the job. Vortexpaw hadn’t realized how fast time had gone by and it was already night. He heard a faint sound in the distance but closed his eyes and prayed to Starclan. Suddenly a group of familiar smelling cats had dashed in and one shouted, “Stop Earthstar!”
Torrentclan! Starclan, why did you send them to help me? He couldn’t help but feel a little grateful, besides, Vaporpaw and Whirlpaw must’ve been there as well. Earthstar stopped, his face filled with shock, and Raventail put down her paw and sheathed her claws. Vaporpaw and Whirlpaw stared in horror at their fellow clan mates about to be harmed. “How dare you try to spill the blood of Torrentclan!” Fishstar bellowed.
“F-Fishstar, i-it’s not what it looks like!” Earthstar backed away as every Torrentclan cat gathered around. As he said that, a silver cat was seen being escorted into the gathering by two Flashclan cats.
“Sharkpaw, look over there!” Vortexpaw whispered. Sharkpaw glanced over towards the gathering’s entrance. “Is that Gravelpaw?”
“It is!” Sharkpaw excitedly mewed. “But he must’ve been captured while we weren’t looking.”
The two cats that escorted Gravelpaw in had sat down by Vortexpaw and Sharkpaw along with Gravelpaw. The ginger tom, Flameheart had let Kitleg speak. “Flashclan! This is a Skullclan cat that had trespassed on our territory! We found him on Torrent-“ His voice broke off. Flameheart nudge him in his side. Fishstar curiously gazed at them.
“On Torrentclan territory? Wouldn’t you have invaded us first?” Murmurs of agreement came from Torrentclan. Earthstar snorted for all of the cats to hear.
“Ha! Those are clearly lies, it’s obvious that those Flashclan cats have kidnapped Gravelpaw! That’s why he’s been gone so long!” Earthstar said. The Skullclan cats agreed. Tension rose from the gathering like an eagle soaring into the sky. Vortexpaw felt his Heavenclan blood flowing through his body again. That’s it, keep going! Even with his power, his physical body was still weak and tired but he managed to stand on his paws. He crushed his claws into the deathberries and limped towards Earthstar, his mind willing to fight but his body was exhausted. As Earthstar was still glaring fiercely at the Flashclan cats, he had hardly noticed Vortexpaw going up to him. Sharkpaw looked uneasy, and watched the gray cat go up to Earthstar. I know this is a bad idea, but what else can I do? Deep within Vortexpaw’s mind, he heard a voice call to him, “Stop Vortexpaw! You won’t like the outcome of this!” Whitedove…sorry, but this is personal. He slashed out at Earthstar who had just noticed and attempted to dodge out of the way, but still had his pelt slightly cut by Vortexpaw’s deathberry dripping claws. A small cut had brought about bright red blood from the brown leader.
“What did you do to me?” Earthstar yelled, looking at the berry juice dripping from Vortexpaw’s claws. The Skullclan cats yowled in alarm and Shadownose, Skullclan’s medicine cat had ran to his assistance to treat the poison that may have gone into his bloodstream. Vaporpaw stared at Vortexpaw with fear. What had Vortexpaw become? Whirlpaw shook her head melancholically at her brother’s decision. All three clans now were shouting amongst themselves, preparing for a battle.