olivestar
Kit
JR here! Hi guys! I'm working on my story! I want to make a great comeback chapter!
Posts: 46
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Post by olivestar on May 8, 2013 7:42:43 GMT -5
So this is a story! That im making up on the spot!
Characters Fireclan
Leader Longstar A grey she-cat with big amber eyes. She has long fur with black stripes. She is kind,wise and cares for any cat that is in need. She is a good hunter but taught cats how to fight the warrior ways. Deputy Bushwishker A golden Tom with green eyes. He has short fur has long claws. He is loyal smart and a great hunter. He is not as good as fighting but his size changes that. Medicine cat Pooleyes A small white she cat with big blue eyes. She is kind,quick thinker and knows were the pain is without even looking. She can hear her patients pain. She has amazing hearing. Apprentice: none yet Warriors Redwind A redish she-cat with amber eyes. Addertail A black Tom with big hazel eyes. He has a beaten up tail because he was attacked by an adder. Solarflare A golden she-cat with amber and green eyes. Firefox A orange Tom with green eyes and long fur. Skywillow A white she-cat with black stripes. She has amber eyes. Her sister is Longstar. Woodchip A brown tabby Tom with grey stripes. He has hazel eyes. Runningpelt A black and white Tom with a blue and green eyes. He is the fastest cat in the clan. Brownwhiskers A small golden she cat with long brown whiskers. And hazel eyes. Brokenfang A brown tom with hazel eyes. He has a broken fang. Dovesky A big grey she-cat with small brown eyes. Apprentices Silverpaw She is a silver tom with green eyes. Dapplepaw A grey shecat with brown and white spots. She has big blue eyes. Leafpaw A brown she cat with amber eyes. Queens Applefoot A tall white she-cat with golden paws. She has big blue eyes and is kind,smart and swift. She is the mother of Shimmerkit and Bluekit. Cougarbreeze A golden she cat with black spots. She has small golden eyes. She is the mother of Tigerkit and Stonekt. Kits Shimmerkit She is a beautiful white she cat with long fur and grey paws. She has ice blue eyes and grey ears. Her fur almost touches the ground. She is kind,hot headed and smart. She is wonderful at hunting because she has big ears to hear well with. She is scared of heights and hates herbs. She is always known as the "Perfect kit" Bluekit A small blue shecat with blue blue eyes. She is shy,quick and kind. Tigerkit A big brown tabby Tom with big green eyes. He is kind,smart and strong. He puts his clan mates before himself a lot of the time. Stonekit A grey tabby kit with blue eyes. Elders Goldenfur A golden tom with long fur and small amber eyes. He is missing 3 of his claws and has a long scar on his back. Pinknose A small she cat with a bright pink nose. She has lots of battle scars and a chipped tooth. She used to be leader but has stepped down. She used to have 2 lives when she stepped down but she lost 1 to greencough.
Iceclan Leader Swiftstar A black shecat with brown eyes. Deputy Bigfur A giant Tom with green eyes. He is the nicest cat you will ever meet. Medicine cat Doeleaf A brown shecat with a white belly. She has big blue eyes. Warriors Eagleclaw A big silver Tom with white paws and clouded green eyes. Rainfur A pretty blue she cat with big blue eyes. Darkfoot A black Tom with grey paws. He has grey eyes. Wildsky A white Tom with orange and brown spots all over him. He has big amber eyes. Queens Littleheart A small white shecat with big green eyes.
Prologue
Longstar sat in her den. Bushwhisker bolted in and said "It's here.." Longstar's eyes widened. The thing was here. She padded out of her den and went to the nursery. 2 litters of kits were born just now. Apple foot and Cougarbreeze had given birth hours apart. 4 kits lay on the ground mewling. Longstar looked at her daughter Applefoot. She smiled and said "What's there names?" Runningpelt her mate said "I named the smaller one Bluekit.. After my mother!" Longstar sighed "Blueclaw.." Her mentor. The greatest warrior in the clan. Longstar said "The other?" "Shimmerkit.." Said Applefoot. She looked over to teh other queen. She was asleep. Borek fang said "I named the Tigerkit and Stonekit!" Longstar nodded. Brokenfang was a very wise cat and respected through all the territories. She looked at Stonekit. She saw him flash his eyes open grind than closed them. Longstar gasped. Broke fang and everyone said "What is it?" His mate just slept. Longstar said "nothing" I had to um cup ouch and sneeze at the same time!" Applefoot said "Ok.. You scared me there mother!" Longstar nodded and padded out of the den. Trying to catch her breath. Is this what Starclan warned her about? She was nervous.
Chapter 1 will come out soon! I'm homeschooled and have a lot of time on my hands! Hope you enjoyed it!
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Post by Snowfeather on May 8, 2013 23:07:53 GMT -5
I like it ;D great story so far
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olivestar
Kit
JR here! Hi guys! I'm working on my story! I want to make a great comeback chapter!
Posts: 46
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Post by olivestar on May 9, 2013 6:54:02 GMT -5
Thanks! Not going to post new chapter till weekend! I'm going to Kingston! (Which is 3 hours away from we're i live) to see my cousins! So I will have loads of time to write!
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olivestar
Kit
JR here! Hi guys! I'm working on my story! I want to make a great comeback chapter!
Posts: 46
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Post by olivestar on May 9, 2013 21:17:35 GMT -5
Done chapter 1 and 2! Now 3 and than I can take a vacation!
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Post by Featherstar on May 10, 2013 1:17:09 GMT -5
(Oi, your home schooled? You are soooooooo lucky!!! I hate my school sooooo much!!! Except my friends, of course. Everyone at my school just day dream as they walk to switch classes, and I always get pushed into a locker! I have a scar on my arm from it. ) Good job so far!
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olivestar
Kit
JR here! Hi guys! I'm working on my story! I want to make a great comeback chapter!
Posts: 46
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Post by olivestar on May 10, 2013 7:12:40 GMT -5
Thanks and Awww! It's ok! It will be over soon! All my homeschooling friends (all 27 of them) are nice and friendly!
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olivestar
Kit
JR here! Hi guys! I'm working on my story! I want to make a great comeback chapter!
Posts: 46
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Post by olivestar on May 10, 2013 7:13:22 GMT -5
Want me to post chapter 1 early? Maybe! Ok I will do 1 last check and than post it!
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Post by Featherstar on May 10, 2013 18:45:52 GMT -5
I love it when people start fan fictions. It gives me something to read. I've read so many books, and now it's hard to find good books anywhere.
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Post by Shadowstalker on May 10, 2013 19:31:26 GMT -5
Here's my critique:
It's good. You may want to work on your grammar (it's not too bad, just a few mistakes here and there). Also, I suggest working on writing Novel-style. If you look at story books (like Warriors), notice the way they separate their paragraphs. I would also use much more detail. Whenever I write, I remember one thing that helps a lot: Write as if you are writing to someone who knows nothing. Imagine your audience knows nothing about what is going on. Imagine the scenes you are writing down in your head- right now, you're only putting in what the characters are doing. Remember to describe their surroundings- where are they right now? We can't see what you see in your mind unless you tell us in great detail. Are they in a camp? How big is it? What surrounds it? What time of day is it? If ever you're unsure how to describe something, think as if you are describing it to a blind person who cannot see. But be careful you aren't OVERLY-descriptive. We don't need to know how her eyes are like sunsets over oceans or the texture of the dirt. Detail is what makes a story amazing. Because the more a writer tells us, the better we can paint the image in our head. Also put in filler sentences. Instead of putting exchanges right after each other, such as: "What?" he asked. "They're coming," she said. "This is not good," he replied beginning to pace. Try something like: "What?" he asked, an edge of disbelief in his voice. "They're coming," she replied nervously. She could hear her own heartbeat accelerating, fearing of the incoming disaster. He green eyes followed his dim shape in the den as he began to pace. "This is not good!" He exclaimed.
Here's a Novel-style of what you wrote:
Longstar sat in her den. Bushwhisker bolted in and said "It's here.." Longstar's eyes widened. The thing was here.* She padded out of her den and went to the nursery. Two** litters of kits were born just now. Applefoot and Cougarbreeze had given birth hours apart. Four kits lay on the ground mewling. Longstar looked at her daughter, Applefoot. She smiled and said "What's there their names?" Runningpelt her mate said "I named the smaller one Bluekit... After my mother." Longstar sighed "Blueclaw.." Her mentor. The greatest warrior in the clan. Longstar said "The other?" "Shimmerkit.." Said Applefoot. She looked over to the other queen. She was asleep. Borekfang said "I named them Tigerkit and Stonekit!" Longstar nodded. Brokenfang was a very wise cat and respected through all the territories. She looked at Stonekit. She saw him flash his eyes open then closed them. Longstar gasped. Brokefang and everyone said "What is it?" His mate just slept. Longstar said "nothing" ***I had to um cup ouch and sneeze at the same time!"*** Applefoot said "Ok... You scared me there mother!" Longstar nodded and padded out of the den, trying to catch her breath. Is this what Starclan warned her about? She was nervous.
*In this case it would be just a perion (".") **When writing a story, always use words for numbers (example: "two" instead of 2, "five' instead of 5) ***This sentence made no sense. It took me five minutes to decipher it. Looks like autocorrect being stupid. It is VERY important to read your work before your post it for this reason.
Here's a little list of things to remember when you're writing: 1. When a character trails off, you always use three periods. (Ex: "How..." instead of "How..")
2. This might sound a bit confusing but I'll do my best to be clear. When you are writing a story, after a character finishes speaking you start a new paragraph. UNLESS the next sentence relates to that character. Examples: Correct: The rustling sound was getting closer. Graystar's eyes widened. "What...!?" A dark shape crashed into him, knocking the tom aside. Incorrect: The rustling sound was getting closer. Graystar's eyes widened. "What...!?" A dark shape crashed into him, knocking the tom aside.
3. When two characters keep talking back and forth with no important actions in-between, you don't have to put "(s)he said" (or such like) at the end. Example: "I could have done that myself!" Greeneyes spat. Her sister rolled her eyes. "Right, and die in the process." "I was nowhere near death!" [Greeneyes implied] "Ha!" [Her sister implied]
4. Always proof-read your work.
5. While authors always try and shoot for mystery, sometimes they make it just too vague. Offer clues and tidbits of information in these situations.
6. CHAPTERS ARE LONG. A chapter should be at least 1,500 words. Chapters are used to seperate large sections and events.
7. Whenever a character is thinking, put their thoughts in italics. (Example: Snowfall held her breath. Don't do it! she thought.)
8. When you write a story, always have at least some idea of where you're taking this story. You don't necessarily have to write down drafts or outlines- just know at least who the main hero is, the main villain, where the story takes place, and how you want this book to end.
After reading all that you are either (a) confused, (b) irritated, (c) grateful or (d) a combination of all three. x3
Now that you're either confused/annoyed/thankful for my criticism, let me praise you. The plot line you gave us was just the right amount to peak my interest- and I am NOT just saying that to make you feel better. Trust me, I'd tell you otherwise if I didn't. While it is kind of cliche ("cliche" means over-used sayings, ideas, stereotypes) with the whole leader-who-got-some-unknown-(for-now)-prophecy-about-a-kit thing, I think it could easily be turned into something unique. In short, it has potential.
It's a good idea to have someone beta-read your chapters before they are posted. If you do not know, a beta-reader is basically a critic who reads each chapter as you submit them and gives you suggestions on how to make the chapter a little better or more interesting. They also proof-read (correct any grammar mistakes). Once they have told you their opinions, you can either ignore them and publish it the way it is, or edit your chapter to include these ideas, send them back for one-last beta look, then publish.
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Post by Featherstar on May 11, 2013 0:23:14 GMT -5
...Uhm?! xD Ok, I read all of that, and I'm confused. xD Anyways, I think I'll take some of your suggestions for my fan fiction. I can think something in my head that I want to put in my fan fiction, but I can't exactly word it right. So, some of my sentences don't make a lot of since. xD (What, are you like an English teacher or something? x3)
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olivestar
Kit
JR here! Hi guys! I'm working on my story! I want to make a great comeback chapter!
Posts: 46
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Post by olivestar on May 11, 2013 8:02:18 GMT -5
Thanks guy! I can't do a lot of the things he suggested because I'm on an ipad mini. (It's mine) and plus I'm 12 and am using this to improve my writing! I'm having so much fun! Here's chapter 1!
Shimmerkit opened her eyes to see it was a nice day. She mewed "Hello..." She didn't know how to talk. Her mother looked at her and smiled. "Hello Shimmerkit! You've opened your eyes! Your sister sometimes opened hers a crack..." Shimmerkit screamed "Eeeeeee!" Her eyes grew large and she wailed. A golden tabby was biting her tail with a grin on his face. He sweetly smiled "Hey! I'm Tigerkit! This is my brother Stonekit!" He was staring at her with big eyes. He said "Wow! He looks weird! He is thinner and has bigger eyes! And no thing under hi-" Cougarbreeze said "Because SHE is a she-cat! Not a Tom! That's what you are!" Stonekit went "Ohhhhhh!" Tigerkit said "She's cute!" Shimmerkit blinked. Her big blue eyes sparkled and she sat there. They were talkative thought Shimmerkit. She mewed "What does that mean?" Stonekit squealed "She talks! She-cats are awesome!" Applefoot giggled "One day you will have kits with one and be in love with them! You will want to lick them and give them prey! You would be with your mate forever.." She thought about her mate and smiled. Tigerkit said "Really! Shimmerkit want to be mates? I'm going to a great hunter so you can trust me so you will never starve!" Shimmerkit tilted her head and said "Sure!" Stonekit said "Ewwww!" Applefoot said "Not yet kits! When your warriors!" Tigerkit said "But Shimmerkit said yes! So she's MY mate!" He stood infront of her. Shimmerkit said "Tigerkit is my mate to!" She purred and licked him like her mother said that mates do. Cougarbreeze picked up Tigerkit by his scruff. Shimmerkit wailed "My mate! I love him so much! You took him away! I want him back!" She was throwing a tantrum. She stomped around and tore up grass and screamed. Addertail stuck his head in and said "Kit please be quite! The elders just fell asleep and they get cranky without there naps!" Shimmerkit pouted and than tears streamed from her eyes. She ran to her mother and buried her face in her belly. "Im hungry! Tigerkit can't feed me because he's being trapped!" Applefoot said "just drink my milk.." Shimmerkit suckled and fell asleep
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olivestar
Kit
JR here! Hi guys! I'm working on my story! I want to make a great comeback chapter!
Posts: 46
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Post by olivestar on May 11, 2013 8:19:57 GMT -5
Won't be posting much I'm in Kingston's visiting my cousins. Kingston is like 4 hours away so I want to spend loads of time with them! With post another chapter on Sunday or Monday!
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Post by Shadowstalker on May 11, 2013 9:42:51 GMT -5
Wait, did you lie about your age to make an account?
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Post by Shadowstalker on May 11, 2013 9:45:49 GMT -5
...Uhm?! xD Ok, I read all of that, and I'm confused. xD Anyways, I think I'll take some of your suggestions for my fan fiction. I can think something in my head that I want to put in my fan fiction, but I can't exactly word it right. So, some of my sentences don't make a lot of since. xD (What, are you like an English teacher or something? x3) Yeah sorry, I tried to make it clear but it was hard. Nope, not an English teacher. x3 But I am really good with grammar and I've done a lot of fan-fiction writing. I started out like Olivestar, and eventually learned to write like real authors.
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Post by Featherstar on May 11, 2013 10:01:21 GMT -5
Well, that example sentence you made made you sound like an English teacher.
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Post by Shadowstalker on May 11, 2013 11:26:45 GMT -5
Just remember, whenever you are writing a scene, ask yourself these three questions: Where, when, and how?
Also refrain from using names or pronouns to often. Try and balance it out. If you use "he" for everytime a character said something, it would be redundant. Same for if you said "Graystar" for every time the character says something. Try to create a balance between the two. Even then, you can use other antescedents. For example, let's say Graystar is a silvery tom. You could then say, "The silver tom" instead of "he" or "Graystar". You could also use something like, "The young leader" and "His friend".
One more thing: when you write a character speaking, don't always use "he said." Please please don't, it gets really annoying and redundant when an author always uses "said". Exchange it for another word. Here's a list of other talking words you could use: -asked -inquired -muttered -murmured -sneered -spat -hissed -growled -snarled -mewed (cats only) -bellowed -roared -yelled -shouted -whispered -snapped -snorted -quipped -joked
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olivestar
Kit
JR here! Hi guys! I'm working on my story! I want to make a great comeback chapter!
Posts: 46
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Post by olivestar on May 11, 2013 12:02:50 GMT -5
I'm using my sisters account shes 15!
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Post by Shadowstalker on May 11, 2013 16:04:00 GMT -5
Oh. Olivestar, you're not allowed to use an account unless your 13. Otherwise Admin gets in trouble from the Proboards company.
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olivestar
Kit
JR here! Hi guys! I'm working on my story! I want to make a great comeback chapter!
Posts: 46
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Post by olivestar on May 11, 2013 18:13:34 GMT -5
My sister only lets me post these. Because I love making warriors books. I begged and begged her! Do you want me to get her on?
Sister - sorry guys my sister wasn't allowed to say that! I sad she could only post her book. Because she loves to write books. Please don't get mad! But she is going to be 13 in 2 months so when she does she will be getting her own account! Sorry for the confizzelment! That is all she is posting. Only things on this thread! Now I must go do my homework (I'm homeschooled to) I have a class in 2 days and it is my last one and its this giant test.
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Post by Shadowstalker on May 11, 2013 23:26:39 GMT -5
//scratches jaw// I suppose it's okay, as long as you're only posting the book.
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